Like A Phoenix… from the crap
“So many times, it happens too fast
“Eye of The Tiger” by Survivor
You trade your passion for glory
Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive.
Superhero movies are often successful. Viewers are able to suspend their disbelief and enjoy colorful heroes fighting the top villains. But sometimes a movie fails because the dialogue is awful, the acting laughable, and the action is less interesting than watching paint dry.
For every The Dark Knight or Avengers, there are dozens of superhero movies that fail. They are forgotten, except during bad movie nights or videos on YouTube. If given a second chance, these five movies could soar with a superhero reboot.
Scene Select
#5 Green Lantern
Green Lantern: “There was a Green Lantern movie… but we don’t talk about that.”
Teen Titans Go!: to The Movies
Plot Synopsis: Green Lantern stars Ryan Reynolds as hotshot pilot Hal Jordan. who discovers a dying alien named Abin Sur while on a routine flight. Sur gives Hal a ring and a lantern that transports him to the planet Oa, where he is inducted as a member of the Green Lantern Corps. Now training under the Lantern’s greatest agent, Sinestro, Hal must master his new powers to fight an ancient evil.
Why It Failed: Green Lantern should have worked. The settings, powers, and characters were set up to launch a franchise instead of make a great standalone movie. Green Lantern splits its time between exposition dumps and bland fight scenes full of bad CGI. Green Lantern wasted the all-important first impression in favor of setting up sequels and ultimately came across as hollow.
Superhero Reboot: Start slow. Have Hal become a Green Lantern and meet the other characters organically. Start with a simple foe like The Manhunters, Eclipso, or Major Force. Lay hints throughout setting up Green Lantern’s most famous story arc: The War of Light. Finally, fix the CGI so it doesn’t look blobby and unfinished.
#4 Catwoman
Patience Phillips : “So I’m not Patience anymore?”
Catwoman (2004)
Ophelia : “You are Patience. And you are Catwoman. Accept it, child. You’ve spent a lifetime caged. By accepting who you are – all of who you are… you can be free. And freedom is power.”
Plot Synopsis: Catwoman follows meek and mild mannered secretary Patience Phillips (Halle Berry). Patience discovers her employer is preparing to sell an addictive and poisonous beauty cream and is murdered by her superiors. Patience is resurrected by a cat god, who gives her superhuman powers and a more assertive personality. Patience takes the name Catwoman and seeks revenge against her killer.
Why it failed: Catwoman has nothing to do with Batman’s Catwoman. This movie is a generic supernatural revenge movie a la The Crow or Spawn without any of their redeeming traits. Patience has a generic powerset, and one of the worst superhero costumes ever made. She looks like an extra from Fifty Shades of Grey instead of a badass anti hero.
Superhero Reboot: Focus on Catwoman instead of an imposter. Movies have only shown Selina Kyle as a villain and Batman love interest. Focus a movie on her background and motivation. After all, when the Bat’s away, the Cat will play.
#3: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Susan Storm: “Why are you destroying our planet?”
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Silver Surfer: “I have no choice.”
Susan Storm: “There’s always a choice.”
Silver Surfer: “Not always.”
Plot Synopsis: As Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman prepare to get married, a new threat appears to plague the Fantastic Four. A mysterious being called the Silver Surfer appears to prepare Earth for the arrival of Galactus: the Devourer of Worlds. The Fantastic Four must figure out a way to stop this world-ending threat even as Doctor Doom plots against them and the Surfer.
Why It Failed: Rise of the Silver Surfer was badly acted, filled with bad CGI, and feels like a glorified rehash of the first movie. The dramatic potential of an apocalyptic threat is wasted in favor of a gimmick where the Fantastic Four start swapping powers at random. The title character is little more than a glorified plot device. Worst of all, Galactus spends the whole movie hiding in clouds. It’s impossible for anyone to take a couple of storm clouds seriously as a world-ending threat.
Superhero Reboot: Split Rise of the Silver Surfer into two movies. The first can have the Fantastic Four wedding being interrupted by a smaller threat like Puppet Master, The Frightful Four, or even Red Ghost and his Super-Apes.
Also do an origin movie about the Silver Surfer. Show audiences the person he was before Galactus arrived. Let them witness The Surfer sacrificing his humanity and becoming Galactus’ Herald to save his homeworld. Explore his conflict in bringing doom to other worlds to save his own. And when the Silver Surfer finally rebels, make his battle with Galactus one that makes the stars quake in fear.
#2 Power Rangers
Trini: “Me and four kids from Angel Grove found a spaceship buried underground.”
Power Rangers (2017)
Trini’s Mom: “What?“
Trini: “I’m pretty sure I’m a superhero.”
Plot Synopsis: A group of misfit students meet in detention. Circumstances lead them to a quarry hiding a spaceship where they meet the alien Zordon who warns them that his archenemy, the witch Rita Repulsa is about to conquer Earth. Zordon gives the group the ability to transform into super-soldiers called Power Rangers. But as Rita attacks, can the Rangers master their powers and stop her?
Why it Failed: Power Rangers took everything fun about the television show and made it gritty and realistic. The realistic suits, monsters, and Zords look like garbage. Catchphrases are spoken in a tone deaf way. Power Rangers fell into the Green Lantern trap of working towards a franchise without first laying the foundation. Finally, I don’t care how much money Lionsgate was paid, the climax of a superhero movie should not be completely focused on a Krispy Kreme store.
Superhero Hero : Embrace the goofiness. Power Rangers is a show where a group of color-coordinated teenagers can go from performing in a talent show to fighting a pumpkin-headed monster who speaks exclusively in rap. Go hog wild and have fun!
#1 Steel
Uncle Joe: “Look-it here, boy! You ain’t Superman! And you damn sure ain’t gettin’ paid!”
Steel
Plot Synopsis: Dr. John Henry Irons (Shaquille O’Neal) is a weapons designer. His partner fools around with a new gun that accidentally cripples Dr. Iron’s love interest. The good doc quits the job, and his partner begins selling the guns to local gangs. Dr. Irons builds a mechanized suit of armor to stop them, becoming a hero called Steel in the process.
Why it failed: Steel is a cornucopia of failures. The acting is awful all around, with Shaq in particular doing a poor job. It didn’t help that he filmed Steel between games at the 1996 Olympics. The armor and weaponry look like they were made from styrofoam and paper-mache. The villains make Snidely Whiplash look subtle and restrained by comparison.
Superhero Reboot: Steel was an ally of Superman, so spin a Steel movie out of a Superman movie. Get a cast that’s willing to give their all instead of working for a paycheck. Have Steel fight a supervillain instead of generic gangsters. And keep Shaq far away from the set this time.
Jared Bounacos has written for Movie Rewind since 2016.
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